I'm Sorry
by The Hoopla Bones
Summary: Short Abarat fic. Boa's thoughts from her wedding day until the end of Book Two. MAJOR SPOILERS. BE WARNED.


Author's note: I felt like writing part of Abarat from Boa's point of view. Hence this thing. It's rather short, I might lengthen it. Or not.

Pairings: Boa-Finnegan I guess, a little Boa-Carrion. Not really about that. Eh.

&c.: je voudrais des reviews. Merci beaucoup.

disclaimer: Characters, most of the dialogue belong to Clive Barker. Genius man.

_I'm Sorry _

I was _so happy. _My heart nearly burst with the indescribable joy I felt. It filled every atom in my body.

There I stood, my love unfolding like an invisible flower in bloom all around me. He stood beside me—my Finnegan. I shall never forget the instant I turned to him, his eyes filled with light and love. I wanted to watch his eyes forever. My lips formed the oath that would bind us together for the rest of our happy lives—then I saw something. A vision.

Christopher, staring at me, in his eyes the same devotion Finnegan's showed. Somehow I wasn't disturbed by his scarred face—and his eyes held me. Those eyes! I remembered how he loved me, and how I broke him. Before me was a man who had nothing to live for, except me.

"Boa?" Finnegan asked me quietly, taking my hands in his protectively.

The vision passed. I smiled at my love and began to speak—

Something sinewy wrapped around my throat, trapping the words inside. Tightened. I began to choke. Air. I needed air…and then I was flying to the ground in a whirl of lace and flowers, my vision smattered with white stars. The thing dragged me by my neck down the aisle—I couldn't breathe—I was dying—my world faded to black as I tried to call to Finnegan.

He was running toward me as I lay on the ground—my last look at his treasured face. My love…

Night.

Half-formed shapes move around me, whispering, their gray hands reaching out to stroke my face. I am in limbo for hours, days, weeks.

It is black again. A different black, no black I have seen before. Deep and wild and new.

A pinprick of light—ah! It's growing, growing, all around me, brightness, and a rushing noise—and then nothing, but the sound of rain on metal.

Blackness. I feel—different, strange, like I am melting and running into someone or something else.

I don't know how much time passes. Years. I am dormant, sleeping, trying to forget—forget my Finnegan, forget my Christopher.

Why did I have to die? I, who had such a life ahead of me. I was _happy._ Truly happy. I curse the cruel fate that tore me from life, the tongue that strangled me as I lay in a heap in the warm gold dirt.

Sometimes I think of revenge. I wonder who did this to me. My murderer…What had I ever done to anyone? It comes to me.

Christopher. Christopher, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But I did not love you. Maybe I deserved to die for what I did to you. I might have killed you, deep inside. I might have killed your soul. But what else should I have done? Lied to you? Told you I loved you and no one else? I am not a liar.

But maybe I'm a murderer. For what is life without the one you love? I know this. I understand, Christopher. I'm sorry. There was no way I could ever feel love for you. You are too dark, too tortured, too cruel. Your pain runs so deep. My love lies on Finnegan Hob, and it will forever.

My reveries are all that I have in this endless sleep I am held in.

But now—a change. Every now and then, I get a glimpse of life, like a shutter opening. I feel a soul beside me—a girl. Candy. She is opening windows to me, and I give her memories, of magic, of the Abarat. Maybe, maybe I can open the window all the way, come back to life…the first thing I'll do is find Finnegan. Oh, life! I need the light of day like I have never needed anything before. To see my Finnegan again! And to tell Christopher that I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, and maybe he will forgive me.

And suddenly I can see—can see through the eyes of this other soul. Candy. I feel her mind. We are one.

And there is Christopher, looking broken, so broken. Pity rises in me.

"Please," he says. "All I want to do is speak to you one last time. Is that so much to ask?"

"I'm here," I tell him. Candy's mouth speaks my words.

"I…see…you," he says. He is holding Candy's hand, his fingers icy cold.

Candy speaks to me in our mind. She is unsure. She asks me if Christopher means us harm. I want him to have changed, I want him to forgive me so hard…but in my heart I know he never will. I tell her, _Of course. _As long as he loves me, he will mean me harm.

He wants us to die with him.

Candy makes a plan to escape. She will kill Christopher. I nearly tell her not to—but the weight of all those years, and all that pain and doubt is so heavy. Let him pay for it all.

Christopher is speaking again. I listen to his tired words and feel like weeping. "We were waiting to put an end to this sad little game of hide-and seek."

"I'm sorry…" I tell him. Finally, I tell him. I'm so sorry.

"Sorry isn't good enough, angel," Christopher says, too weary to be angry. "you owe me more than that. You know you do." I know, darling. I wish I had been able to love you, to heal your pain. But I wasn't.

He touches our shoulder, softly. He is gentle. He almost knows, in the back of his mind, what will come. The end is so close. I can feel everything spiraling towards it.

Tenderly: "Never fear, angel…"

I want to stay here forever. Never fear. Life is too hard, and I owe something to Christopher. I was so cruel. I hurt him so. Pain that goes so deep will take eternity to mend, but I'll try. Oh, Christopher…

Candy is angry. She needs to live. Where she goes, I must go…she will take me away from him…no! Not now, after all the waiting is over. Not now.

She holds me close in our mind, comforts me. My sister. My jailer.

Then she kills Christopher, and brings me back to life.

Back to Finnegan.

I'm so tired. I just want to rest forever.

I'm sorry, Christopher.

Maybe you are still alive, in me. In my soul, you will always be there, watching me. I will never escape you. But I don't want to.

I'm sorry, Christopher.


End file.
